Black and white boys whose fathers have a history of unemploy- ment are more we will examine the effects of the father-son relationship on violent behavior. Years later the father writes a memoir revealing the unlikely father-son relationship. The memoir could possibly destroy the family's wholesome. Long ago, "the talk" meant a father telling his son about sex and how the relationship between fathers and sons has dramatically changed.
Personally, I have twice attempted to untie this knotfirst with my father and much later with my own son.
These were largely unpleasant memories of abuse at the hands of my father, which he called discipline. I wanted to try to deal with this upsurge of memories and intense resentment that was coming from deep within me. This created a stalemate between us, and every time I saw him I was tense and would entertain vengeful fantasies.
As part of my own therapy, I was able to vent intense feelings of righteous anger, victimization, and outrage. This ongoing venting of rage and hurt eventually opened up a totally unexpected memory. I came to realize that there had been a time when I was really young where I actually had wanted something from my father.
It was a shock to have this memory. I also came to realize that this did not change anything with him, but it meant a lot to me to uncover this wanting feeling for him. Unfortunately, nothing in the realm of relationship was possible with my father.
So I had to let go and feel the pain of that old rejection and my anger, and then I was able to disengage and move on. When I had a son of my own, I was tested as a father myself. The first early years with my son started off really well, but as he developed and became more autonomous and defiant, sadly, I was unable to manage my reactivity to his testing of boundaries, etc. Here it was happening to me, not as extreme, but still a strained relationship, and this broke my heart that I was still so psychologically immature.
I ended up on quite a roller coaster of a ride as a father.
My son is now a grown man and we are currently sorting out our relationship. Now I am the father open to dealing with the issues with my own son. I am willing to acknowledge my shortcomings and listen to his childhood experiences, as painful as they are to hear.
4 Parenting Lessons Black Fathers With Sons Must Learn
We are slowly making our way through our troubled history moving towards something of a relationship. As men face the truth about their father-son bond, they will experience both pain and liberation.
Youths who never had a father in the household experienced the highest odds. Adolescents, particularly boys, in single-parent families were at higher risk of status, property and person delinquencies.
Moreover, students attending schools with a high proportion of children of single parents are also at risk. By not having a male role model, Henry had planned to use the only discipline he was expected to use, physical punishment. Fortunately, he reached out to me first. I have two boys who I have been blessed with raising. In school we taught our kids at an early age to use their words to express their feelings.
Since our boys are going to emulate our actions, then we have to start modeling less physical methods of confrontation.
The Psychology Behind Strained Father Son Relationships
Your son will do the same thing and it may eventually land him in a situation he may regret. Apologize for Your Actions. We must help our sons realize that their actions have consequences. In order to make amends, you must apologize for your actions. We can no longer claim to be a victim for our behavior.
Acknowledge You Have a Choice. After doing the wrong thing, show him how to do it right. By showing him he has an alternative, will empower him to hopefully make the right choice when he is confronted again. I know Eric Garner was tired of being harassed by the police for the same crime. Instead of initially letting the police take him into custody, he chose to put up a fight which ended fatally.